Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
You learn something every day
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
✌🏽
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.