Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Air conditioning – not a fan
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen