My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Worth a try
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.