The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.