Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”