My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Breaking news:
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework