it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If looks could kill
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children