Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
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Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My safe word is Worcestershire
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail