I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
You Might Also Like
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Dolls on drugs
This makes total sense…
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus