My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My wedding will be open casket.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor