*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Mad Max Arctic Road