fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
lmao
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.