Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.