So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*