When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Someone just threatened to call me later
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I wish this was real life…
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.