Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
need him
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Netflix and awkward silence?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Owl Sanctuary
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.