Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”