Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.