a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.