If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
the red hot silly peppers
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
#oldknees
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
best review i’ve ever seen
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Just say no
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”