I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.