[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Merica.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
thank god the sign was there
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples