DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
this post was so formative to me
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…