Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
back to work
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.