[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Twitter fine art
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
#milo
Customize Your Wedding.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.