Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins