If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
it must be school picture day