*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
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15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Ah..makes sense now
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.