Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….