me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
wow he looks just like him
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.