I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?