A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
tell em, edith-anne
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m crying im so happy for them
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*