would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Perfection.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
This was a bad idea all around
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind