“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
You Might Also Like
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Last-minute gift idea!
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I have a new favorite meme page
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*