Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
shit just got real
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Lmao
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.