Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison