New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994