If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.