Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!