I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
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If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?