I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
We’re all getting idioter.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
what’s really going on
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Lmao