Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals