A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
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Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
War & Peace
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.