Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.