I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.