If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
i wish we could shoplift online
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it