I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.