(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses