When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I love the National Park Service.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war