[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
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Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
(2022)
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.